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By Atomic Zagnut
Perhaps it was those confounded bean burritos at lunch time or maybe the extra spicy chili for dinner, possibly even a combination of the two, but it was no matter now. I had to go... and bad. I burst through the door to the bathroom and let it all out. A wave of relief passed through me, but it was soon replaced by a premonition of dreaded things in the near future. I then reached for the handle of the toilet ¹. With all my might, I pulled it down. At first, the room was filled with the wonderful whooshing noise of a successful flush, but then all hell broke loose: THERE WAS A CLOG!!! Does it think I, Bravest, Mightiest and most Vigorous and Gallant Knight of the Round Toilet Bowl, Sir Flushalot, will stand for this? Most certainly not. I ran for the arsenal and vowed that I would not be defeated by the enemy. I grabbed the mighty Excolgibur, a plunger of immeasurable power, forged from only the finest rubber, on the end of a great oaken shaft. The enemy obviously didn’t know who they were up against. I charged onto the battlefield, cursing oaths and swearing my allegiance to my liege. I looked my foe straight in the eye and thrust my weapon into his heart. The Exclogibur didn’t even move a single sheet of toilet paper. I repeatedly stabbed at my opposition with the Sacred Plunger. It stood as unwavering as ever. I would not stand here and be humiliated. I cast the Exclogibur down on the floor. I evaded the stench that wafted out of the cursed abomination and hurried back to the royal arsenal for the next trick up my sleeve. I actually had to roll up my sleeves for this one. As I donned the great rubber gauntlets, fashioned to keep the vile water from ever touching and contaminating my hands with all its filthiness, a mischievous grin crossed my face. It was the grin of a man who knew he would be victorious, as did I. I marched into battle with a new vigor. I would restore the honor and glory that it had taken in the previous bout. I plunged my hand down the throat of the beast and yanked hard at the obstruction. It would not budge! I didn’t know what to do. Should I abandon all hope and let my foe, now mocking me at the failure of my weapons, win? Never! I rushed to the kitchen cabinet where I kept a last resort in case of situations like this one. There I saw it, my most secret and ultimate weapon. It is only spoken of in hushed whispers, for it is a very powerful potion. I had stolen it from Merlin’s alchemy lab not a fortnight ago. I had since been pondering a use for it. I ripped the bathroom door off its hinges. I stood there in the doorway like a hulking ogre. My breathing was heavy and a madness gleamed in my eyes. I was a solider pouring boiling oil over the walls of his keep to deter the enemy. The savage hissed in pain as the magic potion was poured over it. It slowly disintegrated into a vast nothingness. I soon realized my floor was quickly disappearing too. Perhaps this concoction was too powerful after all. I ran outside shrieking and screaming. These funny men dressed in white came and picked me up. They must have been fellow knights coming to congratulate me on my victory...
To: The Iowa Department of Justice
From: Arkham Sanitarium
We have recently come into possession of a man who claims to be a “Knight of the Round Toilet Bowl.” This man, one Fredrick Jones, was living in an apartment in Dubuque. He was always noisy, according to the other tenants. Jones, two weeks ago, broke into a scientific research laboratory downtown, called Barosux. There he allegedly stole 23 gallons of sulfuric acid. Yesterday, He proceeded to pour it all over his bathroom. It leaked into the room below, killing one Jonathon Smith. It is estimated he did $940,500 in damages. He was apprehended while screaming “My fellow brothers and sisters, the enemy is dead.” He has been declared criminally insane and is believed to be a severe threat to himself and others. He is currently in solitary confinement at our facility. We would like to know if any further action should be taken on this matter. -Hubert Miller
¹ It might be interesting to point out here that flushing a toilet is much like pulling the trigger of a gun. I can find three similarities between the two. On a gun, once the trigger is pulled, gas fills the tube and forces an object down the tube. On a toilet, once the handle is pulled, water fills the bowl and forces an object down a tube. Also in both cases the person on the other end of the tube probably doesn’t want what’s coming to them. Also both a trigger and a toilet handle can yield some pretty unexpected results if pulled.