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By Robin "Rei" Sager
No part of this document may be reproduced in whole or in part without permission from the author. I have proof I wrote this too, so there! DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A SATIRE (in case that wasn't obvious!)
Every responsible American has heard of the tragic events that took place in Littleton, Colorado. School administrators are now trying to enact measures that they feel would help to protect their students if a reoccurrence of the events at Littleton would ever repeat themselves on their campuses. Some have set up metal detectors and randomlu search students. Others have banned things associated with the killers, such as trenchcoats. Still others have turned their schools into virtual fortresses, hiring armed police and punishing students for the smallest offenses. Violations of the Bill of Rights are considered "acceptable". My solution, however, is much more direct. After noticing a common thread in all the killers, an idea formulated in my mind. It would be low cost, and very easy to decide who is violating the policy. Even rural schools would be able to implement this plan, and keep their schools safe. Why not ban the color black from America's schools? Studies have shown black to be a very depressing color. All of the killers wore black. Marilyn Manson wears black.Guns are black. Black is always associated with bad things. By eliminating this color,students would be in a happier, and therefore safer, envirorunent. Goths would be forced to change their Satan-worshipping ways. Manson children would have to be "Hanson Children" and be good God-fearing children of God. The plan itself would not be difficult to put into effect. Simply announce the ban,then start the punishments. Students should be searched for weapons, suspended, and in some cases expelled for wearing black. If this plan were to be extended further, students with darker coloration would be forced to wear kabuki make-up. In fact, why don't we force anyone with dark hair and dark eyes to dye their hair blonde and wear blue contacts? Of course, certain exceptions could be made. For instance, I am a model student. I am 100% psychologically sound, which the killers most certainly weren't. I have so far shown no violent tendencies, and I do not listen to offensive music or play violent video games. That's why I haven't dyed my hair, and still wear black. For those who argue that this is a violation of the Bill of Rights, I humbly point out the examples I gave in the beginning of my proposal. Note that they are real, and have been implemented. If you are against my "modest proposal", I humbly suggest you take a look at your own life. How many times has an administrator violated your freedom of speech? If you are against my "modest proposal", figure out another way to solve this problem. Perhaps, ladies and gentleman, the fault does not lie in the solution itself, but the people who made the solution.